Monday, September 28, 2009

Rules are important. Follow them!

As a rule, everyone hates rules. In fact most people's rule #1 is: there are no rules. That works until about 5 minutes after one peels themselves out of bed. Then rules apply. Like no one should be occupying the bathroom within 10 minutes of my awakening. My morning relief must take precedent over all others' needs! My second morning rule is I absolutely have dibs on the sports page.

So do me the honor of allowing me to opine on the subject or rules. Enjoy mine below. Most have to do with driving, of course.

1. If you're in the right lane at a red light, please turn right. I hate having to wait for green as the second car in line when I could clearly be on my way to make it before Sonic Happy Hour is over.

2. Mmmmm Sonic. I actually have my own Sonic rules. They apply to the drive through. Only ice cream and drinks in the drive thru! Maybe, maybe cheddar bites or tots. Family of 4? No way! Pull into a slot. Burger? Slot. Two orders of cheddar bites? Close, but slot it. 4 drinks max. Basically, I should never really have to ever stop my car's forward motion while in the drive through. Why can't people get this? This isn't rocket science. It's not all about you, Captain Youplanet.

3. Car's should come packaged with multiple horn sounds. And each sound should be a universally understood tone, as follows.
Beep Beep-- Hey, excuse me, sir, but the light has been green for a couple of seconds now. I'm sure you'd like to go as much as I would.
Beep Beep Beeeeep-- OK, seriously, are you waiting for a specific shade of green?
Honnnnnnnnnk!!!!!-- You actually just sat through an entire green light. This horn automatically emits a signal to the DMV who dispatches an officer to revoke the driver's rights to operate a motor vehicle anywhere on earth except Shanghai. If several people in the same district transmit this signal simultaneously, the DMV will catch on fire and burn to the ground killing all who have fallen asleep in line. So use this horn only in dire situations. Like at 3:58 at the intersection within throwing distance of Sonic.
4. Cars should also come with easy to access message centers that display on windshield, back glass and side windows to easily share one's thoughts with passers by. Who hasn't been driving or riding along and you'd like to say something to the car you are passing like, nice hair, bodacious poodle, your right back tire is flat, your teenage daughter is making out in the backseat, or some snide retort to their bumper sticker?

5. Bumper stickers. While I would like to outlaw them, I realize that--quite hypocritically--I occasionally find one rather amusing. Therefore, let's just offer reform. No more than one bumper sticker per cause/candidate/club. If you hate republicans, dislike Christians, support Darwinism, like recycling, or think homespun saying are funny, then it just takes one Calvin urinating sticker, one fish with legs, or one zinger to amuse (or shake your fists at) victims stuck behind you. If you do choose to deface your back bumper, glass and/or tailgate, at least have the common decency to pull to the shoulder and let us pass.

6. Speaking of passing, let's discuss the use of the left lane. If you are driving anywhere near the posted speed limit, you have no business in the left lane. If you have to pass, do it quickly. Else, get over with grandma and enjoy the Oklahoma scenery.

7. Scenery. Not a lot in Oklahoma. But we do enjoy a good wreck. That is why we choose to slow to 10mph to gawk at the remnants of a crash that is often in the other lane of traffic, off in the ditch, or somewhere that does not require the over use of one's brakes. Rubberneckers should be charged $15 for the view. Proceeds go to fix the car that was smashed.

I have so many more, but I am tired. I promise an update on Francesca soon. She is talking like crazy nowadays. Not English. Probably not even Klingon. Just her own vernacular. I think she just says poop and feed me over and over again. Rule #8. Babies should come with subtitles.


danielle said...

this made me laugh. although i agree with many of your rules!

Jana said...

Only bumper sticker that I ever genuinely laughed at said, "If I am what I eat I'm cheap fast & easy."

bristle family said...

Oh that was great! Loved it!