Friday, February 11, 2011

My Valentines Day Tips

You know, I haven't blogged in quite some time. In fact, for my most loyal followers, or follower, you could probably tell me the exact day in May I last clicked on "publish post." Well, I have a confession to make. No, not writer's block. Not even a "crazy, hectic" schedule. I just plain forgot I had a blog. Well, not completely. But, most days when I could have written some witty gem it just didn't enter my mind. Other times I remembered I had this blog that many people anticipated with bated breath, I was in my car, the shower, on the john, or somewhere else that didn't afford me the opportunity to type into an electronic device. (I added the car in that list in case my wife were to read this--but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know I have a blog. She has a blog, however. It is "court is in session.")

So, since Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I will do two things. One, make it a VD resolution (oh, so THAT'S why no one abbreviates Valentine's Day...) to blog more often. Two, offer up my St. Valentine's Day wisdom.

How to find true love.

Well, sort of.

I would like to offer up 3 nuggets of truth today for you. Only for you. And just for you single ladies. Yes, the ladies. This isn't for guys. Guys love being single in February. Saves them a mint! But, girls, they just get all sad and band together and have a big guy-bashing movie night and eat loads of chocolate and talk about how lucky they all are to not be shackled to some loser guy while feeling sorry for themselves privately.

But don't be sad, lonely ladies, for it is not a bad thing to be single. In fact, as I learned on the Bachelor this week, 'tis better to be home alone than to be home wishing you were alone. So, I believe the key isn't to find a date for Valentine's Day. But to find THE date for Valentine's Day and for every VD still to come. (Yeah, still doesn't read right)

So, here goes. How to find the one. Emphasis on one.

1. Accentuate your idiosyncrasies. Quit trying to mute your weirdness. Not sure what yours are? Just think back to advice you have received after getting out of previous relationships. "Maybe you came on a little too strong." That's a clue you are controlling. So, there you go. Buy a "control freak" t-shirt, slap on some 4-inch pumps, and flaunt it. Might as well scare off all the boys who want to be in charge. Save yourself from ever being trampled on.

2. Get a tattoo or facial piercing. Now you might not be the tat type--fear of commitment to long-term ink. So get a piercing in your eyebrow or nose. True, most guys find something sticking out of your lip to be, frankly, disgusting. But just think forward to later on in life when you may feel disgusting. Your third trimester. Your sixties. 5:30 in the morning. You want a man that can take that sort of thing.

3. Start running 10K's and half-marathons and such. Nothing turns on or scares away a man than a woman who runs long distances. Or runs anywhere, for that matter. For extra credit, become a vegetarian. This will result in guys who will be too intimidated to ask you to dinner. "Steak and Ale? Oh crap!" And they run away. Most guys are afraid they will marry a woman who will wake them early for "marriage-enriching" 5 mile jaunts when it is 11 degrees outside and also still dark. And throw in no meat inside the house and you have terrified at least 80% of all males. Correction, straight males.

So there you go. Sage advice. How is this going to help you get a man, you ask? Well, how many times do you plan on getting married? Once? How many men do you plan to walking out of the church with? One? So of all those fish in the sea you are trying to catch you just want to marry one? So heed my words. You do, and there will be no more than one man in the world who will have you. But when he does, he has a Valentine date for life. If he can keep up with you.

You're welcome.