Widening the Circle -- For Parents of Youth (XP3)

Invite others to invest in your teen, so your sons and daughters have other voices that will help shape and determine the direction of their lives.

We all filter the experiences in our lives through our emotions. They are the God–given lens we use to process the everyday occurrences that challenge us, hurt us and give us hope. For your student, the world is a cycle of experiences, emotions and responses. Sometimes they can feel alone in what they are experiencing. As we have been walking through this three-week series on worship, we have been talking about worship as a communal act—something we do with the community of God, both past and present. Your students have been invited to participate in a blog where they have been responding to different Psalms in order to try to understand what the writer was feeling and use those Psalms to create their own expression of worship through writing a response to those Psalms. Their worship expression can be one of joy, lament, grief or praise, recognizing that God accepts our worship no matter what emotional state we are in.

Now, it is your turn to get online and participate in the dialogue. As you read through what different students have written, you are invited to comment in an encouraging manner. This is a place for you to recognize what the student community is feeling and encourage them that God is for them and so are you. The students will be logging on under “student” so that they can write with freedom. As well, when you log on to comment, be sure to comment under the label “parent.” This is an opportunity for you as the parent community to invest in and encourage your student community. Celebrate the life changes you have seen in your students! Tell them where you see God at work in them.

Note for middle school parents: Developmentally, your student is in a place of “multiple personalities,” meaning they have many different sides of their personalities that are still synthesizing into who they will become. With this in mind, if you read something that seems oddly intense or unlike the students you see on Sunday, recognize that they may be “trying on” a particular side of their personality. See your comments as an opportunity to affirm who they are and give voice to what they are going through rather than to try to stamp out what you might perceive as an inauthentic representation of who they are.

Note for high school parents: Developmentally, your student is in a phase of awakening. They are starting to see outside of themselves and are beginning to understand that they indeed have an impact on the world around them. Because of this developmental shift, they not only feel things quite deeply but also have a greater sense of and desire for open and honest discussion. This is a great opportunity to encourage their developing sense of self and the thought processes and emotional processes they are going through. Rather than “challenge” them in your comments, try to remember what it was like to be a teenager and empathize with what they are writing.

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Next Generation of Leaders

As I write this blog, I am just thinking about the next generation of leaders that is coming up today. And I have opinions. From my perspective. With zero research. Okay, some research. I have read some, heard some, and talked to many. Lots of observation. But really this is just a no-footnote-stream of consciousness from me.

And it isn't a rant. Why would anyone rant on a blog? /sarcasm

I am just a little concerned.

Sometimes I think we bail our kids out too easily. I was telling the parent life group on Sunday that my dad bailed me out of a difficult situation when I was in high school. And I'm not sure he did me a favor. Now he did make me work through it later, and I was actually glad he defended me at the time. But, too often as kids our parents come to the rescue, perhaps a little too quickly. Maybe it's dressing down the coach that doesn't see the talent that in their child that is so obvious to dad and mom. Perhaps it's the teacher that treats their child unfairly but favors all the other kids. Or it could be the friend problems that we step into and turn into a moms issue. Or whatever. And it starts early. Believe me, if I have learned anything so far in parenthood, it's that! I so often want to not let my daughter learn the hard way. Even when she can't finish a puzzle I just want to rip it out of her hands and finish it for her.

But the lesson is often in the struggle.

We have to let our kids struggle a little. I see it in our youth group. Kids get crossways with one another. So one kid eventually stops coming. And parents allow it. "It's just too hard for Amy to be there with Susie shooting arrows of hate at my daughter across the youth room while you're trying to teach about loving one another."

And I get it. I don't want my daughter getting hurt either. I didn't say it was easy. I just said it was right. Help your kids. Impart wisdom upon them. But don't be too quick to bail them out. Let them work through some of their battles. Maybe they stay in the Science class with Mr. Hatesmyson until the end of the semester. Perhaps it will prepare them for college when Dr. Picksonme and his colleage Dr. Flunkseveryonewholooksathimfunny are the only two options for a class in his major. Or they keep coming to D Groups even though it isn't always comfortable due to her perception of how she is viewed by the other girls. Walk with them but don't always show them the exit. Sometimes it comes to that, yes. But maybe we pull the ripcord too quickly sometimes. And the lesson learned is not a positive one.

I am reading a book (I would tell you what it is, but that would break my "no footnote" or citation rule). In that the author, who is in his mid-30s, talks about how he quit 6 jobs in 8 years. (That is a clue for the title of the book) Why? Too hard. Interpersonal conflict. He said this is a characteristic of this next generation. We quit too easily. 

So, to end with, let me encourage you.Trust in yourself. You are good parents! In our youth ministry, I see parents balancing this whole conflict/struggle thing very well. And I hope you are the ones I can emulate when my daughter reaches drama age. Or at least THAT drama age (she is at the one right now where if she can't get her toy to obey her, she lays on the floor and screams). God will give you the wisdom you need. And better yet, He will take care of your children which were His children first.


If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God. - James (1:5)

Actions speak louder...

Sometimes I disagree with people I love.  And I don't mean about music or movies or food flavors. I mean about important things. Like parenting styles. And that's ok. Everyone needs to have one, and they can't always be the same. And it's probably better to be bad at it than not even try at all. But, I digress...

In student ministry, sometimes it feels like we compete with families. That is the opposite of what we should try to do. I apologize for any strife I have caused any family in that department! I know sometimes it is impossible when you want to do something as a family and the youth group has a fellowship planned. Again, though, I digress. Sometimes it has been mentioned I have A.D.D.

The small parenting paradigm with which I have been wrestling lately is involvement. Kids are busy these days. It is important to be involved in lots of things. One, it keeps them busy and out of trouble. Two, it keeps them from playing video games 13 hours a day (that is the average gamer's time per day--"gamer" as defined by someone who plays a LOT of video games and would consider that his identity.) I am not awake 13 hours a day, if you subtract time for eating and going potty (give grace to this parent of a toddler).

So here's my dilemma. For years I have struggled with this. Parents stress commitment to school work, the arts, and sports. If a student is taking cello, she shouldn't miss a lesson. If a student plays soccer, he shouldn't miss his tournament. If a student has homework, she shouldn't come to church. And that sounds ok on the surface, but when I did a little deeper I realize the dangerous message it sends. Church is less important than all these things. Sure, we want our kids in church--as long as nothing else (and I mean NOTHING) conflicts with it.

I know there has to be balance. But I really worry about how these lessons will be internalilzed by our teens. I wonder if they will end up being citizens of America who do what is good and are good people who happen to go to church occasionally. Or will they be citizens of the Kingdom of God who also are active in being salt and light in the world? I pray that the latter will be true.

I don't think it is vital that church "win out" on every face-off. However, I do think we need to make sure that we send the message that God comes first. (And family comes second, but that's another rant for another day. But I do hope you don't allow your children's busy-ness to conflict with family opportunities!) And, finally, let me say this. I believe in what our ministry is about. I've said for years and I'll say it again, if you will allow your students to fully vest in our ministry, they will be prepared. Now, that is also assuming you are doing your part as a parent. But, I'm sure you are! And if you are a parent reading this and you don't go to SHBC, then I still trust that your teen's youth ministry has a mission, goal, and strategy to help your child fully connect with his/her place in the Kingdom of God. Trust that. And don't worry, they can still take piano.

My Valentines Day Tips

You know, I haven't blogged in quite some time. In fact, for my most loyal followers, or follower, you could probably tell me the exact day in May I last clicked on "publish post." Well, I have a confession to make. No, not writer's block. Not even a "crazy, hectic" schedule. I just plain forgot I had a blog. Well, not completely. But, most days when I could have written some witty gem it just didn't enter my mind. Other times I remembered I had this blog that many people anticipated with bated breath, I was in my car, the shower, on the john, or somewhere else that didn't afford me the opportunity to type into an electronic device. (I added the car in that list in case my wife were to read this--but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know I have a blog. She has a blog, however. It is "court is in session.")

So, since Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I will do two things. One, make it a VD resolution (oh, so THAT'S why no one abbreviates Valentine's Day...) to blog more often. Two, offer up my St. Valentine's Day wisdom.

How to find true love.

Well, sort of.

I would like to offer up 3 nuggets of truth today for you. Only for you. And just for you single ladies. Yes, the ladies. This isn't for guys. Guys love being single in February. Saves them a mint! But, girls, they just get all sad and band together and have a big guy-bashing movie night and eat loads of chocolate and talk about how lucky they all are to not be shackled to some loser guy while feeling sorry for themselves privately.

But don't be sad, lonely ladies, for it is not a bad thing to be single. In fact, as I learned on the Bachelor this week, 'tis better to be home alone than to be home wishing you were alone. So, I believe the key isn't to find a date for Valentine's Day. But to find THE date for Valentine's Day and for every VD still to come. (Yeah, still doesn't read right)

So, here goes. How to find the one. Emphasis on one.

1. Accentuate your idiosyncrasies. Quit trying to mute your weirdness. Not sure what yours are? Just think back to advice you have received after getting out of previous relationships. "Maybe you came on a little too strong." That's a clue you are controlling. So, there you go. Buy a "control freak" t-shirt, slap on some 4-inch pumps, and flaunt it. Might as well scare off all the boys who want to be in charge. Save yourself from ever being trampled on.


2. Get a tattoo or facial piercing. Now you might not be the tat type--fear of commitment to long-term ink. So get a piercing in your eyebrow or nose. True, most guys find something sticking out of your lip to be, frankly, disgusting. But just think forward to later on in life when you may feel disgusting. Your third trimester. Your sixties. 5:30 in the morning. You want a man that can take that sort of thing.

3. Start running 10K's and half-marathons and such. Nothing turns on or scares away a man than a woman who runs long distances. Or runs anywhere, for that matter. For extra credit, become a vegetarian. This will result in guys who will be too intimidated to ask you to dinner. "Steak and Ale? Oh crap!" And they run away. Most guys are afraid they will marry a woman who will wake them early for "marriage-enriching" 5 mile jaunts when it is 11 degrees outside and also still dark. And throw in no meat inside the house and you have terrified at least 80% of all males. Correction, straight males.

So there you go. Sage advice. How is this going to help you get a man, you ask? Well, how many times do you plan on getting married? Once? How many men do you plan to walking out of the church with? One? So of all those fish in the sea you are trying to catch you just want to marry one? So heed my words. You do, and there will be no more than one man in the world who will have you. But when he does, he has a Valentine date for life. If he can keep up with you.

You're welcome.

READING THE BIBLE

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original (Galatians 5:22-26 MSG).

Before you answer the questions, remember that doing this isn’t just a checklist. It isn’t just something you have to do. Start by asking God to reveal something to you. Put your focus and motivation to read and answer the questions on God.

Now read back through the passage again and ask yourself:

• What does this passage show me about God?

• What does this passage show me about who I am, how I think, how I’m made?

• What does this passage show me about loving other people?

• How can I do what these verses are challenging me to do in a way that shows people that I love them and also lets people see how much God loves them?

Irrelevant Homilies 101

If you subscribe to my  tweets or are a friend of mine on facebook, then you probably saw a church sign featuring the pictured horribly irrelevant upcoming Sunday message. I love church signs. Sort of like I love stupid criminals. Really, society would be better off without them but they do make me laugh, and cringe, at the same time. Southern Hills Methodist Church, down the street from us, puts their upcoming message up as well. Jeff Jaynes, the pastor, usually makes a play of pop culture, some kind of pun, or other catchy phrase to draw in his parishioners and others who may just be curious. Never have I seen him drop such a blatant eschatological reference as a title. In fact his last sermon title was "God is not Your Sugar Daddy." See, I would go hear that. And probably go eat pie afterward. I also enjoyed an earlier title "I Resolve to Take More Baths." We could all use that one! Perhaps he could lend our friends at GCofC some of his creativity. He would probably just tell them to title it: "Stay Home and Read Left Behind." It's sure to be more entertaining.

I certainly hope their upcoming series on Calvinism is more appealing. But, hey, what better way to kick off the lenten season than some good ole eschatology...

But I guess I should not spend my entire blog criticizing others, even though it is tons of fun. It is difficult enough to stay relevant. I get my students for 3 hours per week, if they choose to even come. Moreover, I only get them for 6 years. Do the math and that is roughly 3.5% of their wakiing hours from ages 13-18--again, only if they come every time our doors are open, not including camps. So, it's probably more like 1 or 2%. I compete with school, friends, and family. If any of those are working against what we teach, I fight a losing campaign.

What does that imply? It means that I can't waste precious time teaching on eschatology that NOBODY knows anything about. Okay, we know about it, but no one has cornered the Truth. Basically, we all have no idea. (Hence the idea of Panmillennialism). Nor do I teach on debating Calvinism, Demons, Guardian Angels, or other sensationalist teachings. Not that there isn't a place for some of the aforementioned, but is this what I really want them to walk away with? I'd much rather them have a foundation upon which they can build a theology that will carry them through life.

How will they handle tragedy, a divorce, a rebellious child, an aging parent, disappointment, job loss, etc? That 12 week series on Creationism sure isn't going to get them through it. Our next Sunday morning series will be called "Faith that Lasts." How to build your house on the rock. How to survive real storms. How to know how to live life with God as your Lord and to have a faith in Him that isn't determined by circumstances or tertiary beliefs.

Well, I've ranted enough. But I guess that's what blogs are for. I certainly don't claim to have it all figured out. But I do love my students. And I hate to ever see them turn their backs on a faith that once meant so much to them. So, as for me and my team, we will do what we can along with their parents to help them build a theology that will ride out the storms and the frenetic pace of life. Most of all, we will teach and relate as God leads.


   

How To Treat Your Wife

by Wayne Bullard
Reprinted without permission

     The empty juice glasses just sit there on the breakfast table.   It was hard for a dedicated-loving-husband such as me not to jump up, grab the juice out of the fridge and fill the two glasses—but that’s not what the smart-dedicated-loving-husband does if he knows what’s good for his marriage.   I just waited, looking at my empty glass with a humble look.  Pretty soon she noticed her error, apologized profusely while jumping up and filling up the little glasses—me first of course.  We both had a good laugh over it.

      I have written before about how important it is for a man to create ways for his wife to feel useful and needed by serving him better—but how do you handle it when she gets sick?  That depends on just how sick she is.  My wife hasn’t been feeling well lately but rather than inducing feelings of inadequacy on her by trying to horn in on her housework-duties by doing them myself—as a majority of ill-advised modern-day husbands would do—I just try to be more patient.  She needs to be given time to perform her labors and not feel rushed.  Now is a good time to give her an “ata-girl” for keeping up with her work.   

      It is alright for a man to do housework when his mate is actually hospitalized, so feel free to do so.  Exercise caution that you don’t get the house too organized or clean while she’s gone.  That could induce feelings of inadequacy on your mate and we know you don’t want that.  Right before she comes home from some minor thing such as childbirth she needs to know she was missed.  Place out a few dirty dishes and string a few pieces of dirty laundry around the house.  She’ll love you for it.  Exercise gained from doing housework is the best treatment for post-partum depression.  We all know that a busy woman is a happy woman.

        A woman who breaks a limb can be a challenge to a loving husband.   If it’s a leg and she can get around on one crutch there is no problem.  She may need an extra Lortab now and then but with dishwashers and other gee-whiz gadgets in today’s home, there should be no problems although it is wise to let her know that you are as close as your easy chair in the rare cases she would need any help. 

       Wheelchair-bound-wives present other problems.  How much she can do in a wheelchair may be directly proportional to the amount of wheelchair access your home affords.  I keep my hallways and doors open and wheelchair ready, just in case.  Do not put a wheelchair ramp out front as she should not be wasting her energy outside her work areas.   This will help her to stay up with her work thus keeping her spirits high.  A broken arm may be a problem from a pain standpoint (remember the Lortabs) but it too will heal faster if she stays busy.

          There are times when you can actually help her with her work.  For instance, when she’s vacuuming, you can follow her around and point out the spots she missed.   This saves her the heartache of discovering (albeit later) that she has missed some spots.  Pointing out dust on a table or handing her a spray bottle of Windex and watching cheerfully as she brings the glass to a shine builds memories and   tightens the bonds of affection between the two of you.  Keep track of when she last changed the furnace filters or polished the dining room light fixtures.  She’ll love you for it. 

     I would give you some more advice but I have to have the dishes washed and trash carried out before my wife gets back from her Christmas shopping.  She was pretty firm about that.  Meanwhile my hopes are for a blessed Christmas Season for each of you and don’t forget to go to church this Sunday.

Wayne Bullard, Pharm. D.